Which Pissant Noble am I Talking To?

Normally, there are many layers of functionaries and factotums that prevent the aristocracy from getting within spitting distance of people as disreputable as adventurers. But, whether through dumb luck or deliberate shenanigans, the PCs may find themselves face to face with one or members of high society.

To generate an upper-class twit, roll 4d20.

D20 Roll	Female	Male	Noble House	Rich Person Nonsense They Won’t Shut Up About
1	Alianor	Auberic	Asmodi	Making miniature furniture for dioramas
2	Basilissa	Bort	Balagaga	Falconry
3	Bruticia	Bromulus	Blumslow	Experimenting with electricity
4	Citrinita	Calastor	Charivari	Cocaine
5	Delephine	Drystan	Dunclop	Erotic etchings
6	Dratlana	Eephus	Ermengard	The latest canto of the epic poem they’re writing
7	Erzegund	Fleurian	Fitzwark	Competitive orchid cultivation
8	Frangelique	Gormsley	Guisarme	Their extensive wine-cellar
9	Gorgonetta	Hinkard	Hurdivant	International finance
10	Hildegrine	Indrid	Kakarov	Clockwork automata
11	Irlanis	Jedward	Le Bont	The artist they’re patronizing
12	Javelinda	Jobias	Mackelay	Their feud with another noble family
13	Lazuli	Maldivio	Nethersby	Their feud with their own family
14	Lynira	Niflas	Ombrego	Betting on bumfights
15	Marbeline	Oxton	Pleurgeron	Why peasants deserve to be treated better
16	Nephilia	Phinster	Quence	Why peasants are treated exactly as they deserve
17	Ornella	Scarlon	Slayle	The ongoing renovations of their manor
18	Sibylis	Theobald	Tant	The health benefits of their ridiculous diet
19	Tartine	Vespio	Utherelm	Creating historical tableau with taxidermied animals
20	Zinerva	Weymund	Vargulli	A new, absurdly complex beauty regimen

 

THE VOID (WARLOCK PATRON (5E))

When you tell others you serve Nothing, they regard you with incomprehension. It is difficult for a mortal mind to grasp the absence of existence. Nevertheless, you contemplate nullity and perhaps – beyond sensation, beyond thought – you will find something, or perhaps, something has already found you…

Patron Spells
1st: false life, sleep
2nd: blur, rope trick
3rd: blink, sending
4th: confusion, greater invisibility
5th: modify memory, passwall

Seeking Emptiness: Starting at 1st level, you can enter a state of suspended animation for up to 1 minute. While in this state, you do not need to eat, drink, or breathe, you do not age, and the progress of any disease or poison is halted. You remain aware of your immediate surroundings but cannot interact or communicate in any way. At any time before the duration expires, you can return to full consciousness instantly as a bonus action.

Every time you gain a level, the duration of this ability doubles.

Empty Mind: Starting at 6th level, you can use your reaction to automatically succeed a saving throw against a spell or ability that would detect your emotions or thoughts, or bestow the charmed condition. You must complete a short or long rest before you can use this ability again.

Ego Destruction: Beginning at 10th level, you gain resistance to psychic damage and have Advantage on Charisma based saving throws. Additionally, you can grant these benefits to another being with an Intelligence score of at least 3 by spending a round talking to them. A creature affected in this way has Disadvantage on Intelligence-based skill and ability checks. The effects last until the creature takes a short or long rest.

Total Annihilation: At 14th level, you can cast disintegrate once without expending a spell slot. You must complete a long rest before you can use this ability again.

WRACK-WRETCH

Some people become so warped by the power of the wrack-glass that they can no longer stand upright. Far from being disabled, these wrack-wretches lope about on all fours like a predatory beast, albeit one augmented by a human intellect.

WRACK-WRETCH
Medium monstrosity (human), neutral evil

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Armor Class: 15
Hit Points: 35 (6d6+14)
Speed 35 ft., climb 35 ft.

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Str 17 | Dex  13 | Con 15 | Int 9 | Wis 13 | Cha 5

Skills: Athletics +8, Intimidate +6, Stealth +7, Perception +7; wrack-wretches understand Common, but can only speak in monosyllabic growls.
Passive Perception 17

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Mirror Madness: A wrack-wretch that sees it’s own reflection flies into a mindless frenzy, unable to perform any actions except attack or move into attack range. The frenzy lasts until the wrack-wretch is incapacitated or it hasn’t made an attack in 1 minute.

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Clutching Bite: melee attack +6 (1d4+3 piercing damage and target is grappled. Unless the wrack-wretch ends the grapple voluntarily, the target takes 1d4 damage when escaping from this grapple.)

Gnaw: A wrack-wretch can use its action to automatically deal 1d4+3 piercing damage to a creature it has grappled using clutching bite.

Sweeping Slam: melee attack +6 (1d6+3 bludgeoning damage and target must succeed a Strength or Dexterity saving throw or be knocked prone.)

Lurching Pounce (recharge 5, 6): melee attack +8 (2d6+6 bludgeoning damage and the target is knocked prone. On a miss, the target is pushed back 5 feet and must succeed a Dexterity saving throw or be knocked prone.) Before the attack, the wrack-wretch moves up to its speed, ignoring difficult terrain.

NEW SPELL: Grave Dagger

Necromancy

This spell requires a dagger with a handle fashioned from human bone. As part of the casting, the magic-user invests the dagger with their own essence. By sacrificing at least one point of Charisma, the next attack made with the ritual dagger ignores non-magical armor and deals an additional 1d6 points of damage. Every additional point of Charisma spent adds another 1d6 extra damage. The dagger remains charged with the spell until a successful attack is made.

A creature slain with a grave dagger can only be reanimated, never resurrected.

Until the spell is discharged, the caster cannot regain the Charisma used to power it. Charisma expended to cast this spell in excess of the caster’s level is permanently lost.

ESOTERIC ARSENAL 2: Eclectic Bugaloo

More funky weapons to tantalize, or torment, adventurers.

RAT-TOOTH
So long as a person holds this dagger between their teeth, they can crawl up, down, and across vertical surfaces and upside down along ceilings with a climb speed equal to their normal movement rate.

ALONE-AGAINST-ALL
A stout shortsword of Dwarven manufacture. The wielder gains a bonus to attack rolls equal to the number of enemies adjacent to them.

HOWLING HATCHET
This hand axe returns to the wielder’s hand when thrown and screams while in flight. The wielder has Advantage on attack rolls when throwing the weapon at a living target.

BOLT-THROWER
This spiked gauntlet holds five charges. By expending one or more charges, the wearer can project a bolt of electricity as a ranged attack dealing 1d8 damage per charge expended to a range of 60 feet. Alternatively, the wearer can discharge the gauntlet directly into a creature they have grabbed, dealing 1d10 damage per charge used. Any spent charges are restored after 8 hours of inactivity.

LONG ARM OF THE LAW
A larger-than-life-sized metal fist at the end of a 15-foot chain; equivalent to a flail. When wielded by a person of a lawful alignment, the fist can open and operate as a hand with Dexterity and Strength equal to the wielder.

SOLAR GLARE / ABYSSAL GAZE

Sorcerer/Witch/Wizard (Evocation)

The spellcaster’s eyes blaze with unbearable radiance, casting light as strong as the noon-day sun in a 20-foot cone and torch-bright illumination extending 30 feet further. Creatures within the illuminated area must succeed a Wisdom saving throw or be blinded for 1d4 rounds. Undead and fiendish creatures have Disadvantage on their saving throws and suffer 1d8 damage every round they remain within the light.

The reverse of solar glare, abyssal gaze, turns the spellcaster’s eyes into seemingly bottomless pools of utter black. A creature within 20 feet of the spellcaster that can see and be seen by the caster must succeed a Wisdom saving throw or become transfixed by the terrible darkness, unable to act. Every subsequent round, a creature stricken by the abyssal gaze can attempt a new saving throw to shake off the effect. Undead creatures had Advantage on their saving throws and fiendish creatures are immune. Once a creature has succeeded a saving throw, they cannot be affected by this spell again for 24 hours.

Both versions of the spell can be sustained for 1 round per caster level.

Picture Pong: MARP

So, False Patrick and Scrap Princess started a game of image response ping pong.

This being the foul year of our lord 2020, it’s gone viral.

The forces of chaos and law are forever at war, and all of creation is their battlefield.

But, on occasion, the great powers of order and disorder are obliged to meet peaceably. This presents some logistical challenges – how does an immovable object and an irresistible force interact without mutual destruction?

The answer, my friend, is Marp.

The marp are metaphysically inert, equally unaffected by chaotic or lawful influences. They also seemed to be cursed with unfaltering altruism. Thus, they make perfect intermediaries, shuttling between the two opposing sides like the hapless children of irreconcilable divorcees.

Whenever an inter-dimensional armistice is being signed, it’s marp who are serving drinks and passed hors d’oeuvres.

Marp seem to intuitively understand all languages but can’t say anything other than “marp,” whence comes the name by which they are known throughout the cosmos. They communicate among themselves with a complex system of blinks from their single, tripartite eyes. Utterly ineffectual in combat, a marp’s first instinct is to flee as fast as it can. As a last resort, a marp can project a prismatic spray (as the spell) from its eye, once per day.

Now, gentle reader, it’s your turn. Behold, who or what is this:

PUT A RING ON IT

RING OF THE WANDERING EYE: The glass eye can detach from the ring and fly up to 100 feet away from the wearer, who can see through it by closing their own eyes.

 

RING OF DEATH DEFERRED: When an injury, condition, or spell would kill the ring’s wearer, they drop to 1 hit point and their hit point maximum is permanently reduced by 1. 

 

SALAMANDER BAND: The ring grants three abilities to its wearer: 1. The wearer becomes fluent in the language of fire elementals. 2. The ring reduces the damage from fire effects suffered by its wearer by 1 point per die of damage inflicted. 3. At will, the ring can emit a tiny gout of flame that can ignite any flammable material. If used as an attack, it deals 1d3 fire damage to a single target in melee range.

RING OF THE WAR WOLF: When the ring’s wearer drops a creature to 0 hp with a melee attack, they gain temporary hit points equal to the number of hit dice of the slain creature. If the wearer has any temporary hit points left over when they go to sleep, there is a 5% chance per hit point that they will turn into a werewolf until the next sunrise. The risk of transformation doubles during a full moon.

RING OF RIPPLING EARTH: While standing on earth, soil, or stone, the ring’s wearer has Advantage on Strength and Dexterity saving throws to resist forced movement and being knocked prone. The ring holds 5 charges that reset every 24 hours. The wearer can project a 5-foot-wide wave of seismic force through the ground that travels in a straight line 25 feet long, plus 5 feet per charge expended. A creature standing in the path of the wave takes 1d6 bludgeoning damage per charge expended and is knocked prone. A successful Strength or Dexterity save negates both effects.

HIRUDINOID, or WALKING LEECH

“Edge of Tomorrow” concept art by Ivan Manzella

Medium aberration, neutral

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No. Appearing: 1d4
HD 4, 30 hp
AC 16, resistant to bludgeoning damage
MV 30 ft., swim 30 ft; a hirudinoid can squeeze through spaces as small as 1 foot wide  

Attack: Sucker-lined fist +4 (1d4 damage) x 2  

As a free action, the hirudinoid can attempt to grapple a creature it has successfully hit with a melee attack, gaining a +4 bonus to the check. If both fists strike the same target, the hirudinoid has Advantage on the grapple. At the start of its turn, a hirudinoid drains 1d6 points of Constitution from a creature it has grappled.

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Despite its bipedal stance and humanoid body-plan, the walking leech is an invertebrate that maintains its upright posture through hydrostatic pressure. Hirudinoids only have a rudimentary intelligence and lack the ability to vocalize sounds. Their vision and hearing are quite limited, just good enough to detect movement. They hunt mainly by scent and body heat.

They lurk in sewers, trash middens, and other dark, unhygienic environments. Wounds inflicted by a hirudinoid need to be cleaned thoroughly to minimize the risk of infection.

NEW SPELL: Catacomb Winds

Witch/Wizard (Necromancy)

The spellcaster calls forth a swirling blast of fetid air laden with necromantic energy.

A violent wind whips around a 30-foot radius circular area centered on, and moving with, the caster. Small unattended objects and debris will be carried aloft and hurled about, hampering movement and vision for all creatures except the caster. The turbulence bestows Disadvantage on attacks with missile weapons against targets within the spell’s area of effect. On the ground, movement speed is halved, and flying is impossible.

The currents of negative energy flowing through the area dampen healing effects. A creature within the winds recovers only half as many hit points from healing spells or abilities. Corpses reanimate as zombies under the control of the spellcaster as long as they remain within the spell’s area of effect.

Catacomb winds lasts for 1 round per caster level.